Homemade vanilla
Welcome to my happy place of DIY, homemade, homegrown, handmade, nourished & crafted, whole hearted living. Finding magic in the mundane & growing some roots in the process.
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I have to be honest, I have recently been suffering from something rather diabolical.
What, you ask? What horrible disease could possibly be plaguing me? Lack of Creativity! Yep, I have had a creative block, for MONTHS! To some people that might seem pretty silly, but for someone who has a natural inner need to create, this past little while has been excruciating! Lack of creativity for me means lack of light. Using my imagination is what keeps me upbeat, happy, and functioning. Needless to say, the past few months have been more than a little depressing.
Blues
The other night I went to bed realizing that something had to change. That I wasn’t happy and I needed to figure out why. I have a handsome man, 4 incredible children, a beautiful new home, a wonderful family, so what’s my deal?
When I woke up the next morning, I realized that I was living my life in survival mode. With Manly traveling as much as he does, having a baby who requires more attention than the rest of my babies combined, selling our first home, moving in with my in-laws, buying our new-to-us home, moving again, being a taxi, not knowing anyone, making a great friend just to have her move, being lonely, watching my parents struggle in this crazy economy, turning 30 (and the inner crap that came with that relating to my mutant gene), more trips for Manly, more traveling, and more traveling, blah blah blah…. WAAAAAAAAH!
Yeah, it probably doesn’t seem like much to you, and you’re right, it’s probably not. I mean, seriously, my sister has 4 kids, 2 with disabilities, and I complain about being a single mama in a new place! Yeah, my life is hard. Whatev, but anyway, I heard something once that said everybody is fighting a battle somewhere. Mine, lately, has just been a little bit of the blues. When I get like that, the first thing that goes out the window is my creativity. And, when a daydreamer can’t dream, she loses her happy… and marbles. I need to create.
Inspiration
This past week something fun happened. I won a contest! Surprise! I don’t ever win anything! Of course it wasn’t money, a trip, or a new car with a heater. If wishes were fishes! Despite that, what I did win was a little inspiration. I won an invite to a website called Pinterest. It’s a fun little site where people post “pins” of ideas or things they love on “boards” or categories like Style, Create, Decorating, Entertaining, or what have you. I’m sure most men would see it as a COMPLETE waste of time. And, well yeah, I guess it probably is! But a funny thing has happened in the last few days, my creative spark has been ignited again! I guess I just needed to get my juices flowing and take a little quiet moment for myself.
I’ve learned something.
I am not for everyone
I can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t play the role of both Daddy and Mama when Manly is gone. I can’t make things better at my parent’s store. I can’t reach all the way across the country to hug my sister when things are hard. I can’t whisk away my amazing nephew to safety when the autism wriggles deep down inside his little body and takes away his sleep and his sparkle.
I can’t bring back lost babies from heaven. I can’t make people love me, let alone like me. I can’t fix all boo-boos with my kisses. I can’t make people healthy. I can’t do it all. I can’t make people’s choices. I can’t be what someone else thinks I should be. I can’t fix everything all the time. I don’t have a magic wand or super hero powers, as much as I wish I did.
But…
I can smile. I can hug. I can support. I can love. I can be me. I can be kind. I can be real. I can share my heart, thoughts, and ideas. I can keep kissing those boo-boos. I can do my best. I can be sunshine. I can have faith, hope, and happiness. I can share. I can comfort. I can have charity. I can serve. I can strengthen my testimony. I can develop my talents.
I can be an incredible mother. I can be a loving wife. I can be a rock for my family. I can lift someone else up. I can take care of myself. I can take time for myself. I can love myself. I can dream. I can imagine. And, I can create.
Sometimes the biggest roadblocks are all in my head.
Well, if I am the only one that comments, you HAVE to give it to me!! I reallly want to do Devany’s room. I just don’t know what to do. Love your blog, Missy!
Don’t ever compare your life and especially your trials to others around you. It will ALWAYS be comparing apples and oranges. Always. And just because it may SEEM like someone has things harder than you- it doesn’t mean that what you are going through isn’t tough. We all have our fights- some are just more visible than others. After Abby was born the fight at the time that was the hardest for me was the postpartum depression. Because I felt like I was fighting it alone. It wasn’t something that people brought dinners over for…you get what I mean? Then I outed myself on my own blog and was amazed at how many people had gone through the same.
Sharing helps. Embrace it. Change the things that you can and that you want and then leave the rest to God. I know with your “mutant gene” you must feel like a ticking timebomb. But the thing that I’ve learned is that worry is destructive. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have the RIGHT to worry, but I also know that it doesn’t fix the situation. At this point, all you can do with that damn gene you’re already doing. The rest is up to God. It’s the toughest thing to just hand those sort of things over and to know that he’ll be there if and when you have to deal with the consequences of having it. Things are always MUCH harder when we think about them before or after- because we don’t have the same spirit that we do when we are going through them. Does that make sense? After Abby was born I worried excessively about the fact that I will likely live longer than she will. But I couldn’t do anything with that worry. It was only making me miserable. So we’ll do everything we can to keep her as healthy as possible, and know that the rest is out of our hands.
Don’t ever feel like being creative is being selfish. Read Uchtdorf’s talk again. Or watch this: http://lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?lang=eng&query=create+uchtdorf#2009-02-06-create . I found that the times that I was having the hardest times was when I felt a need to fit myself into some box. When I felt like I had to be supermom and only do supermom things. Only read books on being a supermom. blah blah blah. But when I stopped worrying so much, turned back on the music I LIKED and started making stuff that made me happy- the world got a little brighter for ALL involved. Ask Lance. That’s why he never questions my craft purchases. He knows the joy it brings me.
Wow. This is longer than your post. I’m sorry. I totally just hijacked your blog. I suuuuck.
I love you, Mis. I’m sorry things are tough. I couldn’t imagine having my husband gone as much as you do. He’s my sanity- he’s my GRAVITY. You are tougher than you give yourself credit for.
I love your blog here Missy! Thanks for all the inspiration you give to me.
[…] you are like me then when you started your PINTEREST journey you really didn’t have a clue what you were doing so you just made up some generic boards […]