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Where do I even begin to explain all that has happened since I last wrote here?
In truth, I really don’t know.
My body fell apart. BRCA2 reared its ugly head. I was cracked open and I’ve done my level best just to keep walking since. Step by step. Day by day. Healing. Getting stronger. Slowly moving forward. And the more I tread, the more I realize I am a different version altogether than the one I was before. Fewer hormones. Fewer organs. More clarity and freedom. On one hand, a bit quieter. On the other, wilder. Broken and at the same time, whole. I feel like that little wildflower that was seeded in the crag of the rock, and yet is still determined to bloom and grow anyway.
I wrote these words down in January and feel they need a permanent place here. With the mire we are collectively trudging through and the uncertainty of these times, I have felt this overwhelming need inside myself to write, record, to create. And so, if my children one day are looking back on these pages, please remember that we all process differently. These words, these projects, the food, the tools, the art. The furniture rearranged and walls repainted. The hours spent in the garden with hands in the dirt. Feeding chickens and gathering eggs. The crackling fires, herbal tea, and love letters. The simple adventures, mountain meadows, nights slept under the stars and drives down quiet dirt roads. This. This is how I carry on. Finding magic, creating beauty, pushing up through the dirt, and seeking the sunlight.
I can do hard things but I refuse to become hardened.
Despite it all, I choose to be open.
Adjective. Verb. Noun.
•allowing access, passage, or a view through an empty space. not closed or blocked up; having no enclosing or confining barrier
•exposed to the air or to view; not covered
•not clenched into a fist. freely available or accessible; offered without restriction
•allowed to vibrate along its whole length
•move or adjust, so as to leave a space allowing access and view
•having clarity and resonance unimpaired by undue tension
Manifest. Vulnerable. Unfolded. Receptive. Expanded. Generous. Porous. Enlightened. Wild. Unlocked. Honest. Genuine. Uninhibited. Barefaced. Not repressed. To begin.
Setting My Intentions:
An open book, an open mind, an open heart. Open to this new body, this new season, this new beginning. Open to joy & light. Open to serving and being served. Ready to receive whatever God has for me. Open to His will, His spirit, and His shaping… knowing His grace is sufficient even for me.
Come what may and love it.
It is well with my soul.
Open: My One Word for 2022