I have to be honest, I have recently been suffering from something rather diabolical.
What, you ask? What horrible disease could possibly be plaguing me? Lack of Creativity! Yep, I have had a creative block, for MONTHS! To some people that might seem pretty silly, but for someone who has a natural inner need to create, this past little while has been excruciating! Lack of creativity for me means lack of light. Using my imagination is what keeps me upbeat, happy, and functioning. Needless to say, the past few months have been more than a little depressing.
The other night I went to bed realizing that something had to change. That I wasn’t happy and I needed to figure out why. I have a handsome man, 4 incredible children, a beautiful new home, a wonderful family, so what’s my deal? When I woke up the next morning, I realized that I was living my life in survival mode. With Manly traveling as much as he does, having a baby who requires more attention than the rest of my babies combined, selling our first home, moving in with my in-laws, buying our new-to-us home, moving again, being a taxi, not knowing anyone, making a great friend just to have her move, being lonely, watching my parents struggle in this crazy economy, turning 30 (and the inner crap that came with that relating to my mutant gene), more trips for Manly, more traveling, and more traveling, blah blah blah…. WAAAAAAAAH!
Yeah, it probably doesn’t seem like much to you, and you’re right, it’s probably not. I mean, seriously, my sister has 4 kids, 2 with disabilities, and I complain about being a single mama in a new place! Yeah, my life is hard. Whatev, but anyway, I heard something once that said everybody is fighting a battle somewhere. Mine, lately, has just been a little bit of the blues. When I get like that, the first thing that goes out the window is my creativity. And, when a daydreamer can’t dream, she loses her happy…and marbles.
This past week something fun happened. I won a contest! Surprise! I don’t ever win anything! Of course it wasn’t money, a trip, or a new car (with a heater), but what I did win was a little inspiration. I won an invite to a website called Pinterest. It’s a fun little site where people post “pins” of ideas or things they love on “boards” or categories like Style, Decorating, Entertaining, or what have you. I’m sure most men would see it as a COMPLETE waste of time. And, well yeah, I guess it probably is! But a funny thing has happened in the last few days, my creative spark has been ignited again! I guess I just needed to get my juices flowing and take a little quiet moment for myself.
I’ve learned something.
I can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t play the role of both Daddy and Mama when Manly is gone. I can’t make things better at my parent’s store. I can’t reach all the way to Washington and hug my sister when things are hard. I can’t whisk away my amazing nephew to safety when the autism wriggles deep down inside his little body and takes away his sleep and his sparkle. I can’t hug my mother and force her to be happy. I can’t bring back lost babies from heaven. I can’t make people love me, let alone like me. I can’t fix all boo-boos with my kisses. I can’t make people healthy. I can’t do it all. I can’t make people’s choices. I can’t be what someone else thinks I should be. I can’t fix everything all the time. I don’t have a magic wand or super hero powers, as much as I wish I did.
I can smile. I can hug. I can support. I can love. I can be me. I can be kind. I can be real. I can share my heart, thoughts, and ideas. I can keep kissing those boo-boos. I can do my best. I can be sunshine. I can have faith, hope, and happiness. I can share. I can comfort. I can have charity. I can serve. I can strengthen my testimony. I can develop my talents. I can be an incredible mother. I can be a loving wife. I can be a rock for my family. I can lift someone else up. I can take care of myself. I can take time for myself. I can love myself. I can dream. I can imagine. And, I can create.
Sometimes the biggest roadblocks are all in my head.